UNKNOWN ناشناخته

پيامك هاي خفن

2009-07-21T16:59:00.001+04:30

این اس ام اس شما فقط برای دویدن شما به دنبال گوشی ارسال شده و ارزش دیگری ندارد !
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دوست داشتم جیگرتو بخورم. اما حیف باید تا عید قربان سال دیگه صبر کنم !
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طبق آخرین مصوبه وزارت دادگستری . خل بودن جرم نیست . ازادانه به کارت برس !
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می دونید که اولبن بار که ادم حوا رو دید بهش چی گفت ؟ گفت : ایوووووو چه خانم با شخصیتی ! با من ازدواج می کندهده ؟
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لرزش صدات .برق نگات . طش قلبت . نفسهای تندت و عرقی که رو یشونیت نشسته . همه گویای یک چیزه :…………………………….. تیروئیدت رکاره برو دکتر !
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قلب من . دل من . خون تو رگهای من . نفس من جیگر من . خلاصه …. همه وجودم درد می کنه . باید برم دکتر ببینم چرا اینطوری شدم !
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اگه منو دوست داری که هیچ چ چ چ چ … اما اگه نداری …….. تو غللللط می کنی !
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فضول اگه چیزی می خواستم بنویسم بگم همون بالا می گفتم
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جواد ترین اس ام اس لاو ???? : لاستیک دلمو را با میخ نگاهت پنچر نکن !

تو که درخت زندگی من هستی که الاغم را به آن می بندم
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ورژن اول : رفتم دم گل فروشی هر چی گشتم قشنگ ترین گل رو ندیدم نگرانت شدم .

ورژن دوم : رفتم دم گل فروشی هر چی گشتم قشنگ ترین گلم رو ندیدم . آخه گوشفند ! چرا اون گل رو خوردی ؟
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می خوای با سه شماره هیبنوتیزمت کنم و بگم چه جور آدمی هستی ؟ خوب پس با ? شماره آروم چشمات رو ببند : …. ?…… ?…….?…….
……………………………………………هنوز که چشمات بازه؟……………..
……………………………………………می گم چشماتو ببند !…………….
…………………………………………..چرا زیر چشمینگاه می کنی ؟…..
………………………………………. اصلا نیازی به هیپنوتیزم نیست
هر خری می فهمه چه قدر فضولی
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بشین جمع ومنها کن ببین چندمین باره سر کار رفتی ؟
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به دلیل ایام سوگواری از گفتن این جک معذوریم
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سریع ترین دوربین جهان اختراع شد . این دوربین می تونه از خانوم ها در لحظه ای که دهانشون بسته است عکس بگیره !

حتی میان این همه گورستان هم نشانی از مرگ پیدا نمیکنم ….این سنگ قبر ها هم دارند زندگیشان را میکنند….
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تنها کسانی که مارا میرنجانند. عزیزانی هستند که همیشه کوشیده ایم از ما نرنجند
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وقتی زندگی صد دلیل برای گریه کردن به تو می دهد تو هزار دلیل برای خندیدن به او نشان بده
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آنکه با خودش تنها است هنوز کامل نیست .
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صورت شما کتابی است که مردمان می توانند از آن چیزهای عجیب بخوانند .
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معایب دیگران معلمان خوبی هستند .
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شخس قوی و آبشار هر دو راه خود را باز می کنند .
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بزرگان زاده نمی شوند - ساخته می شوند .

لطایف , پیامک ها و طنز نوشته های بسیار لطیف در باره خانم ها

2009-07-21T16:57:00.000+04:30

لطفا جدی نگیرید البته فقط خانمها

تحقیقات نشان داده که فقط 20% مردها عقل دارند
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80% بقیه زن دارند !!!!!!! ؟؟؟؟؟؟؟

مردها بر اثر کمبود عاطفه ازدواج می کنند
بر اثر کمبود حوصله طلاق می دن
ولی نکته جالب اینه که بر اثر کمبود حافظه دوباره ازدواج می کنند !!!! ؟؟؟؟؟؟؟

مردها سه تا آرزو دارن :
- اونقدر که مامانشون می گن خوش تیپ باشن !
- اونقدر که بچه شون می گن پولدار باشن !
و مهمتر از همه اینکه :
- اونقدر که زنشون شک داره زن داشته باشن !!!!!! ؟؟؟؟؟؟؟

- بیشتر مردان موفقیت شون رو مدیون زن اولشون هستند و
زن دومشون رو مدیون موفقیت شون !!!!!!!!! ؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟

مرد اولی : امان از دست این زنها !؟ زنم تمام دارائیمو برداشت و رفت !
دومی : خوش به حالت ! زن من تمام دارائی مو برداشت و نرفت !!!! ؟؟؟؟؟

- زن به شوهر : من احمق بودم که باهات ازدواج کردم !
مرد : عزیزم چرا عصبانی می شی ! خب من هم عاشقت بودم اینو نفهمیدم !!!! ؟؟؟؟؟

فرق پیر دختر با پیر پسر:
- اولی موفق نشده ازدواج کنه
ولی دومی موفق شده ازدواج نکنه !!! ؟؟؟

- یه ضرب المثل آموزنده هست که می گه :
مردن برای زنی که عاشقشی از زندگی باهاش آسون تره !!!!! ؟؟؟؟؟؟

مرد به زن : عزیزم ممنونم ازت ! تو اعتقاد به دین رو به زندگیم آوردی!
چون من قبل از ازدواج معتقد بودم جهنم اصلا’ وجود نداره !!!!! ؟؟؟؟؟؟؟

طنز پیامک های جالب انتخاباتی یوزارسیف

2009-07-21T16:56:00.000+04:30

* بعد از اعلام رسمی “یوزارسیف” مبنی بر شرکت در انتخابات ریاست جمهوری در مصاحبه با خبرنگار ایران، واکنش ها و بازتابهای متعددی در این باره داشتیم:

ضرغامی: امیدواریم یوزارسیف بعد از انتخاب شدن فراموش نکند چه کسی بیشتر از همه به او بها داده است!

مقامات اماراتی: یوزارسیف در مصر بزرگ شده و اصالتاً عرب است.

شورای نگهبان: تأیید صلاحیت وی منوط به مشخص شدن رابطه او با زلیخا ست.

خاتمی: اگر میرحسین نیاید، یوزارسیف گزینه خوبی است.

مسابقه اس ام اس 90: آیا یوزارسیف می تواند طلسم مشکلات پرسپولیس را بشکند؟

کروبی: هر چقدر یوزاسیف به مردم گندم بدهد من 50 کیلو بیشتر می دهم!

غلامحسین الهام: یوزارسیف دور اول سفرهای استانی را هفت سال کش داد، ولی دولت 2 دور سفر را 4 ساله تمام کرد!

محمدرضا گلزار: اگر او بیاید من صحنه را ترک نمی کنم، رقابت تنور انتخابات را گرم می کند.

فاطمه رجبی: یوزارسیف در دربار “آخن آتون” بزرگ شده، او ذاتاً سلطنت طلب است!

خوش چهره: بودجه عمرانی حکومت آمن هتب که صرف ساخت سیلوها شد تورم زا بود، یوزارسیف اقتصاد کشور را بیمارتر می کند.

مرعشی: برخورد یوزارسیف با کاهنان معبد آمون مناسب نبود، او مخالف سرمایه داری است!

اگر هر كشوري سريال يوزارسيف رو مي ساخت آخر داستان چه مي شد؟

2009-05-27T14:45:00.000+04:30

آمريكا => يوزارسيف درخواست بانو زليخا رو مي قبوليد و همه چيز به خوبي خلاص ميشد...

كره => آخناتون دو تا شاهزاده داشت كه باهم سر يه دختر دعواشون ميشد كه تاجره و بعدشم همديگرو ميكشتن و آخر سر هم يوزارسيف دختره رو ميگرفت!

هند => يوزارسيف تازه يه جايي كه عاشق شده بود، يادش مي افتاد كه يه پدري داره و در پي پدرش هم متوجه ميشه كه پدرش از مادر او يه بچه ي ديگه هم داشته! وقتي ميره برادرشو پيدا كنه مياد ميبينه كه در عشق شكست خورده و يكي ديگه دختره رو گرفته!

روسيه => در حين فيلم يوزارسيف به انرژي هسته اي دست پيدا ميكنه و در رقابت با كاهنان معبد آمون سعي ميكنن كه يك انسان به فضا بفرستند و يوسف موفق ميشه با اختلاف 10 دقيقه يه مرد به ماه بفرسته...

مكزيك => يوزارسيف و آنخمائو (كاهن معبد) واي ميسن رو برو هم و آخناتن گيتار ميزنه و اون دو تا دوئل ميكنن و كاهنان معبد هم واي ميسن تماشا... سر ساعت آنخمائو كشته ميشه!

اسپانيا => در حين فيلم 100 زوج عاشق با همديگه ازدواج ميكنن و در اين حين كاهنان و يوزارسيف فاميل ميشن و همه چيز به خوبي و خوشي خلاص ميشه...

انگليس => كاهنان شبانه بوسيله ي تونل گندم ها رو كش ميرن و قهطي 3 سال زودتر شروع ميشه و دربدر يوزارسيف از گشنگي ميميره و بعدشم كاهنان گاو پرست ميشن...

فرانسه => همينو بدونيد كه همه چيز اونطوري كه نميخواهيد تموم ميشه...

امتحان دامادها

2009-02-08T14:15:00.003+03:30

زنى سه دختر داشت که هر سه ازدواج کرده بودند. يکروز تصميم گرفت ميزان علاقه‌اى که دامادهايش به او دارند را ارزيابى کند. يکى از دامادها را به خانه‌اش دعوت کرد و در حالى که در کنار استخر قدم مى‌زدند از قصد وانمود کرد که پايش ليز خورده و خود را درون استخر انداخت. دامادش فوراً شيرجه رفت توى آب و او را نجات داد. فردا صبح يک ماشين پژو ٢٠٦ نو جلوى پارکينگ خانه داماد بود و روى شيشه‌اش نوشته بود: «متشکرم! از طرف مادر زنت» زن همين کار را با داماد دومش هم کرد و اين بار هم داماد فوراً شيرجه رفت توى آب وجان زن را نجات داد. داماد دوم هم فرداى آن روز يک ماشين پژو ٢٠٦ نو هديه گرفت که روى شيشه‌اش نوشته بود: «متشکرم! از طرف مادر زنت» نوبت به داماد آخرى رسيد. زن باز هم همان صحنه را تکرار کرد و خود را به داخل استخر انداخت. امّا داماد از جايش تکان نخورد. او پيش خود فکر کرد وقتش رسيده که اين پيرزن از دنيا برود پس چرا من خودم را به خطر بياندازم. همين طور ايستاد تا مادر زنش درآب غرق شد و مرد. فردا صبح يک ماشين بى‌ام‌و کورسى آخرين مدل جلوى پارکينگ خانه داماد سوم بود که روى شيشه‌اش نوشته بود: «متشکرم! از طرف پدر زنت»

pa2gh

اس ام اس سرکاری( مخصوص 2 شب به بعد)

2008-11-20T12:52:00.000+03:30

چند تا اس ام اس جديد اومده زنگ بزن برات بخونم ، هزينه ام زياد نشه

-----الله اكبر
الله اكبر
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بيدار شو وقت نمازه

يه سوال برام پيش اومده، شبا كه ميگن: "بگير بخواب" چي رو بايد بگيريم؟؟؟
بيخيال حالا، بگير بخواب!!

اين اس ام اس فقط براي دويدن شما به سوي موبايل بوده و هيچ خاصيت ديگه نداره .

سلام اين اس ام اس صرفآ جهت يادآوري به شما براي مسواک زدن است
و ارزش قانوني ديگه اي ندارد . شب بخير .

همه جا امن و امانه! تو راحت بگير بخواب!

پا شو سرت از رو متکا افتاده پايين!

مشترك گرامي اين اس ام اس به منظور بيدار كردن شما مي باشد لطفا لبخند بزنيد!

ميگم پاشو يه چند تا اس ام اس بفرستيم اينور اونور مردمو بيدار كنيم . خيلي حال ميده.

هر وقت به هوش اومدي به من زنگ بزن!

ببين عزيز دلم پاشو..............اگه پا نشي قهر ميکنما.................خب دلم برات تنگ شده.........جون من پاشو.............پاشدي..............افرين عزيزم...............حالا که پاشدي ماچم کن بگير بکپ

سلام. ببخشيد بد موقع مزاحم شدم!، راستش را بخواهيد يه سوالي داشتم خيلي وقت بود ذهنم را مشغول كرده بود، مي خواستم بپرسم... مي خواستم... اصلا ولش كن. بزار براي بعد، خب؟

سلام .... تو رو خدا ببخش .... نمي خواستم اين موقع شب بيدارت كنم ..... واقعاً ببخش.... سعي كن دركم كني .... من موبايلم گم شده زنگ بزن به گوشيم تا ببينم كجاست .شرمنده!!!

خيلي ببخشيد..مثل اينکه موقع بدي مزاحم شدم..خواستم بپرسم آب خوردي آفتابه رو کجا گذاشتي

سلام.اصلا نمي خواستم بيدارت کنم ولي مجبورم.من ميخوام برم wc ولي تاريکه مي ترسم تو رو خدا تو هم بيا

مي خواستم ببينم شبا که مي خواي بخوابي گوشيتو خاموش مي کني که سره کارت نزارن...

خوش حالم که خوابي عزيزم
چون اگه بيدار بودي و مي دونستي از دلتنگي تو خوابم نمي بره حتما خوابت نمي برد

به اشتياق اولين دانه برف، به تحمل آخرين برگ پاييز، به گرماي تن خورشيد و به
زيبايي آسمان شب قسم مي خورم كه سر كاري

ببين الان ساعت 12شبه. 1 ساعته ديگه قراره که منگولا برن پيش خدا و شفا بگيرن .حواست باشه يادت نره ها ، خواب نموني يه وقت!!!

هه هه هه گول خوردي من اس ام اس نبيدم وجدان مبايلت بيدم فقط وخاستم منو از جيبت در وياري تا كمي هوا وخورم جيگر.

اين اس ام اس رو فرستادم فقط براي اينکه مشغول باشي و دست تو دماغت نکني !!!

خواص گوسفند :
بو ميدهد
سبزي ميخورد
گاهي مي خوابد
پرواز نميکند
عقل دارد اما اس ام اس هاي سر کاري را تا آخر مي خواند

pa2gh

اس ام اس جديد و به روز....

2008-09-04T09:59:00.000+04:30

آقایون وقتی میخوان کاری رو انجام بدن : اول خوب فکر میکنند.
بعد به حرف دلشون گوش میکنن ، بعد به خدا توکل میکنن و ...در آخر کاری رو انجام میدن که زنشون میگه !!

از شهرداري واحد سد معبر مزاحمتون ميشم ، ببخشيد مهربونيتون سد راه دلمون شده . . . !

Uncle chain Knitter: Yes. Have you knit my chain? Yes... Did you throw it behind the mountain? Yes... Father has just arrived... What has he brought?...shirinak.com
خودت رو اذيت نکن، همون عمو زنجير بافه!

دوستت دارم
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به اندازه تمام مدال های المپیک ایران!

تو ايران خطي خرابتر از ايرانسل نيست... ايرانسلتيم

اميدوارم تو خونه پماد سوختگي داشته باشي چون برات يه بوس داغ فرستادم

تو که ميدوني من زياد به خيابون ها وارد نيستم ميشه بگي بايد از کدوم طرف قربونت برم ؟!!

اتل متل ستاره ، گلم دوسم نداره ! نه اس ام اس نه يک زنگ ، دلم براش شده تنگ

گوني گوني دوستت دارم ولي قربونت گوني هاشو پس بده مال مردمه !

اخيرا کشف کردند که حرف مورد علاقه ي دختر هاي ايراني در زبان فارسي ( پ ) و ( خ ) مي باشد، مثلا : دوست دارند که ( پول ) ( خرج ) کنند. ( پسر ) ( خر ) کنند. ( پدر ) ( خام ) کنند. ( پرايد ) ( خرد ) کنند. ( پاسپورت ) بگيرند برن ( خارج) . ( پر رو ) و ( خوشگل ) باشند و ...

اگه تو بامن باشی، چراغ خونم باشی...
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آنقدر روشن خاموشت می کنم تا بسوزی!

گرمی دستانت، سرخی لبهات، تپش قلبت، نرمی صدات...
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همش مال فشار خونه! برو دکتر!

اگه تونستی شصت پات رو تو دماغت بکنی، یا تونستی با دنده عقب جلو بری، یا اینکه ایستاده بدویی...
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اون موقع می تونی بگی من با اس ام اس سر کار نمی رم!

تنها چيزي كه مي تواند در اوج لذت از زندگي ، خواب را از چشمان آدميان بربايد فقط يك چيز است . . . . . . . جيش

بعضي وقت ها اينقدر حواست به خودته و در آرزوهاي خودت غرقي که يادت ميره يه نفر منتظرته تا . . . . . . . . از دستشويي بياي بيرون

دو راه براي خانم مهندس شدن هست : 1) اينقدر درس بخوني تا خانم مهندس شي... 2) يا اينكه يه شوهر مهندس پيدا کني

تو درياي زندگي قايقت مي شم فقط تو با عشقت پارو بزن ولي يادت باشه اگه دلم بشکنه قايقت سوراخ مشه...!!

فرق انسان و سگ در آنست که اگر به سگي غذا بدهي هرگز تو را گاز نخواهد گرفت حالا فرق خودت رو با سگ ها فهميدي؟!

هرچي مهربونتر باشي بيشتر بهت ظلم ميکنن هر چي صادق تر باشي بيشتر بهت دروغ ميگن هر چي قلبتو آسونتردر اختيار بذاري راحت تر لهش ميکنن پس نتيجه ميگيريم تو همين که هستي باش،چون اگه تغيير بکني خيلي ضرر مي کني!!!

تو بهترين، زيباترين، مهربون ترين، خوش تيپ ترين، دوست داشتني ترين، با شخصيت ترين دوستي که داري: منم

گردو خاک تنهايي دلم را با جذبه ي نگاهت زدودي و خانه ي قلبم را از غم ها شستي حالا که داري زحمت مي کشي روي اون ميزم هم يه دسمال بکش

گرمي دستانت سرخي لبهات تپش قلبت نرمي صدات همش مال فشار خونه برو دکتر!!
اس ام اس جدید سرکاری عاشقانه
مي دوني تک زنگ يعني چي؟
يعني دوستت دارم، ولي پول ندارم!

اول اينو بفرستيد:
مي نويسم نامه اي با برگ زيتون
فراموشم نکن اي دوست شيطون
اگر جواب نداد اينو بفرستيد:
پيامي فرستادم با برگ پسته
جوابم را بده گردن شکسته!

کاش زن گرفتن هم مثل ايرانسل بود... يکي مي گرفتي، يکي هم جايزه مي گرفتي!

مي دوني فرق تو با فندوق چيه؟ فندوق يه مغز كوچولو داره ولي تو اونم نداري!

شنيدم خاطر خواهام دارن خودکشي مي کنن، اس ام اس دادم ببينم چه طوري؟

براي آمدنت انتظار کافي نيست
دعا و اشک و دلي داغدار کافي نيست
خودت دعا بکن اي مهربان که برگردي
دعاي اين همه چشم انتظار کافي نيست

برنامه هفتگی خانم های ایرانی

2008-07-17T12:14:00.000+04:30

توجه: خواندن این متن اصلا به خانم ها توصیه نمی شود!
1- نخونید!
2- اگر خوندید فحش ندید!
3- اگر فحش دادید به نويسنده ندید!

شنبه
مرد: عزیزم! امروز ناهار چی داریم؟
زن: ببین امروز قراره من و نازی با هم بریم ''فال قهوه روسی یخ زده'' بگیریم. میگن خیلی جالبه، همه چی رو درست میگه به خواهر شوهر نازی گفته ''شوهرت واست یه انگشتر می خره'' خیلی جالبه نه؟ سر راه یه چیزی از بیرون بگیر بیار!

یكشنبه
مرد: عزیزم! امروز ناهار چی داریم؟
زن: ببین امروز قراره من و نازی بریم كلاسهای "روش خود اتكایی بر اعتماد به نفس" ثبت نام كنیم. هم خیلی جالبه هم اثرات خیلی خوبی در زندگی زناشویی داره. تا برگردم دیر شده، سر راه یه چیزی بگیر بیار!

دوشنبه
مرد: عزیزم! امروز ناهار چی داریم؟
زن: ببین امروز قراره من و نازی بریم شوی "ظروف عتیقه". می گن خیلی جالبه. ممكنه طول بكشه. سر راه از بیرون یه چیزی بگیر و بیار!

سه شنبه
مرد: عزیزم! امروز ناهار چی داریم؟
زن: ببین امروز من و نازی قراره با هم بریم برای لباس مامانم كه می خواد برای عروسی خواهر نازی بدوزه دگمه بخریم. تو كه می دونی فامیل مامانم اینا چقدر روی دگمه حساسند! ممكنه طول بكشه، سر راه یه چیزی از بیرون بگیر بیار!

چهارشنبه
مرد: عزیزم! امروز ناهار چی داریم؟
زن: ببین امروز قراره من و نازی با هم بریم برای كلاس "بدن سازی" و "آموزش ترومپت" ثبت نام كنیم. همسایه نازی رفته میگه خیلی جالبه. ترومپت هم كه میگن خیلی كلاس داره مگه نه؟ ممكنه طول بكشه چون جلسه اوله. سر راه یه چیزی بگیر بیار!

پنج شنبه
مرد: عزیزم! امروز ناهار چی داریم؟
زن: ببین امروز قراره من و نازی بریم خونه همسایه خاله نازی كه تازه از كانادا اومده. می خوایم شرایط اقامت رو ازش بپرسیم. من واقعاً از این زندگی ''خسته '' شدم! چیه همش مثل كلفتها كنج خونه! به هر حال چون ممكنه طول بكشه یه چیزی از بیرون بگیر بیار!

جمعه
مرد: عزیزم! امروز چی ناهار داریم؟
زن: ببینم تو واقعاً خجالت نمی كشی؟ یعنی من یه روز تعطیل هم حق استراحت ندارم؟ واقعاً نمی دونم به شما مردای ایرونی چی باید گفت! نه! واقعاً این خیلی توقع بزرگیه كه انتظار داشته باشم فقط هفته ای یه بارشوهرم من رو برای ناهار بیرون ببره؟!

فرهنگ لغت طنز ايروني

2008-01-07T02:33:00.001+03:30

ادب : يعني كمك به يك خانم زيبا در عبور از خيابان حتي اگر به كمك احتياج نداشته باشد
ازدواج : قمار زندگي است و در قمار معمولا برد با كسي است كه بيشتر تقلب كند
الكل : مايه گرانبهايي كه همه چيز را محفوظ نگاه مي دارد مگر اسرار را
اوراقچي : تنها موجودي كه زنها را بهترين رانندگان دنيا ميدان
ايده آل : شوهري كه بتواند با زنش بهمان دقت و ملايمتي كه در مورد اتومبيل تازه اش دارد رفتار كند
زوج ايده آل : شوهر كر و زن لال
بوسه : تصادفي كه فقط يك سيلي به آدم ضرر مي زند
بيست سالگي : دوراني كه پسر ها دنبال معشوقه مي گردند دختر ها دنبال شوهر
چشم : عضويكه چشم چرانها با آن ارتزاق مي كنند
خسيس : كسي كه وقتي خانه اش آتش مي گيرد براي اينكه پول تلفن ندهد تا اداره آتش نشاني بدود
خوش بين : مردي كه تصور كند وقتي زني پاي تلفن خداحافظي كند گوشي را خواهد گذاشت
دست : عضوي كه در سينما نزد صاحبش بند نمي شود
دوران تجرد : دوراني كه معمولا براي مردها بعد از ازدواج شروع مي شود
رفيق : كسي كه هميشه به شما مقروض است
سوءظن : سعي در دانستن چيزيكه بعدا" انسان آرزو مي كند اي كاش آنرا نمي دانست
سينما : جايي كه پشت سر شما حرف مي زنند
عشق : دردسري كه براي فراموش كردن آن بايد عشق تازه تري پيدا كرد
سرخ پوست : مرد خوشبختي كه وقتي زنش اورا مي بوسد صورتش ماتيكي نمي شود
سنجاق قفلي : تنها قفلي كه بدون كليد باز مي شود
مرد مجرد : كسي كه هنوز عيوبي دارد كه خود نمي داند
معجزه : دختر خانمي كه زنگ آخر جيم شود و به سينما نرود
موش : خانم هايي كه نصفه شب به جيب شوهر هايشان شبيخون مي زنند
هالو : شوهري كه دستكش ظرفشويي را بجاي اندازه دست خودش اندازه دست زنش بخرد

Funny Messages

2007-12-22T16:40:00.001+03:30

☻Be friendly with your kids, they choose your home when you are old!

☻Be nice to the ones who smoke.. every cigarette migh be their last.

☻BEEB! Send this message to 5 of your friends and you will have unbelieveble sex tonight! If you break this chain, you'll never have multiple orgasm again!

☻Birdy birdy in the sky, left a poopie in my eye. Me don't care, me don't cry, me just happy that a cow can't fly!!

☻Braindetector activated, calibrating, now searching.........still searching......get a good grip of your mobile....still searching.......no brains found.

☻Did I not see you yesterday at the mall, with a grey jacket? No? O, than it was a rubbish bag after all! .

☻Do not disturb, I am enough disturbed as it is . . .

☻Don't feel sad, don't feel glue, Einstein was ugly too !

☻E man pays $.2,00 for a $.1,00 item that he needs, a woman pays $.1,00 for $.2,00 item that she does not need.

☻Excessive use of alcohol can lead to a pregnancy.

☻For you I would go as far as the end of the world. Do you promise to stay here ?"

☻God created the earth, God created the woods, God created you too, but yes, even God makes mistakes!

☻God created the universe, the earth, nature, the eggs, man and saw that it was good and beautiful. God also created woman and thought : ‘I hope she will make herself up’!

☻HALLO, this is your mobile. There is no particular problem. I just wanted to leave your pocket, want the smell is unbearable!!!

☻Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now..... sorry I will leave, I can't find a brain.

☻Hello, this is GOD. I make few bad creations but you are the worst monster I ever realised. My apologies on behalf of the whole world..

☻How would you like your egg for breakfast.... hard-boiled or impregnated?

☻I am a killer,I kill people for money.....But because you are my friend,I'll kill you for nothing!

☻I am not stupid, I am blond!!! B - L - O - N - T

☻I am not your type ... I am not inflatable.

☻I know why I am single, my parents-in-law were not able to have kids...

☻I like to compare you with a nice cold glass of beer, beautiful colour, perfect taste, really perfect and when the glass is empty i just take the next one!

☻I once sniffed Coke, but the icecubes blocked my nostrils...

☻If being ugly would hurt, you would be in pain all day long.

☻If you have picture where you look old, keep them. In twenty years you can prove that you have not changed a bit.

☻If you really ressemble the picture on your ID, you are not fit enough to travel.

☻Ik would like to be a volcano... smoke all day and people say ... look he is working!

☻In case of fire read this message.....................................I SAID IN CASE OF FIRE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!

☻It is charming, incredibly handsome, extremely good, well shaped, horny,an animal in bed and it knows one French word ... MOI!!

☻Love me or leave me. Hey,where is everybody going ???

☻Mobile sex: push 1 for oral, 2 for anal, 3 for normal, 4 for a trio, 5 for SM and for everything ... dial my number!

☻My feelings for you are like the sea. " Wild and romantic ? " "No, they make me sick."

☻My mother in law walks five miles every day, I wonder where she is at this moment...

☻Nice perfume... but do you really need to marinate in it?

☻One out of four people is a chinese. If your father, your mother and your brother are not Chinese, it must be you.

☻Opticians bend your the rims/frames of your glasses for they are too polite to say that your ears are in the wrong place.

☻Read in a hospital... The psychiatrist may nog be disturbed

☻roses are red, violets are blue, frankenstein is ugly but what the hell happened to you????

☻roses are red, violets are blue, most poems ryhm, but this one doesn't...

☻Scientists in the US proved that people who do not perform well in bed and who have difficulties to come hold their mobile in their right hand ..................

☻Smoking is allowed in this area, blowing not!

☻The more I learn the more I get to know, the more I know the more I forget, the more I forget the less I know, so why should I be learning??

☻The one who digs a hole for someone else, is sweating blood !

☻They dropped your name, can you pick it up ?

☻This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, a cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat!

☻This is the telephone terrorist team. While receiving this message a virus will be activated. This virus should have infected your mobile by now. Your mobile will be disabled, unless you are ugly.

☻This is your boss: "You are allowed to read the newspaper during the working hours and do certainly not miss the job adds."

☻This sms can only be read by someone SEXY:...try again...again...maybe you are just not sexy?...one more time...hey don't force it ugly!!!

☻Those beautiful eyes, that incredible body, such a brain, a sexy mouth, nice smile .... but that is enough about me, tell me how you are?

☻We cannot grant you a life insurance policy because you are already 102 years old. "I do not understand. It is proven statistically that at that age only few people die."

☻We will now upgrade your brain.......Please wait........Searching.......Searching.......Still searching........Sorry, no brain found !!!

☻What he want, I do not want ... What I want, he does not want ... What we want, is not allowed!

☻When I was a dog, and you were a flower, I walked over you and gave you a shower!!

☻You are an unwanted child. Your parents paid the medical expenses for your birth with their accident insurance.

☻You are never too blond to learn !!!

☻You got STYLE... You got SEX-APPEAL... You got the BRAINS... and you sure as hell got the BODY....WAIT!!!!!...SORRY....wrong number

☻You have the ones that think and you have the ones that do things. The worst kind are those who think that they are doing things.

☻You should know what it takes to look this cheap!

☻You used to be so ugly that your mother had to tie a steak around your neck, otherwise even the dog would not play with you

☻You will have to cut back on your sex live. What part will you leave out, talking about it or thinking about it?

☻You with your beautiful eyes, you with your nice hair, you with your fantastic body ... o, sorry, wrong number

☻You’d better not be a dayfly and not having your day.

☻Your provider adjusted his rates. The rate is determined by the length of your genitalia, the shorter they are, the less you pay. You can telephone for free from now on!

☻It's important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is great in the sack. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet!

☻A man can kiss his wife goodbye. A flower can kiss a butterfly.Wine can kiss a frosted glass.But u my friend can kiss my ass!

☻i tried to call you from a payphone last night. i put my doner card in by mistake, it cost me an arm and a leg!

☻Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!!

☻Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all!

☻Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster

☻A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home

☻At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on

☻The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?

☻i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window... I look down & den... i lauf again

Birthday

2007-09-06T15:19:00.000+03:30

Is your birthday day 1 of the month?

Your Life

You are very curious and dedicative. When you are interested in something,

everything else has to wait. This is your quality. But if you learn to be

more patient and complete what you have started, you will be successful in

life.

Your Love

You believe in love at first sight. You won't wait to learn more about the

person. Vise versa, people who fail to impress you will hardly get a chance

to be your friend. Your emotion is on the extreme. You can only love or

hate, nothing in between and this often shows in your expression. Try not to

end a relationship in a quarrel.

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Is your birthday day 2 of the month?

Your Life

You have great common sense but usually fail to follow through. This might

happens because you are too busy with your mission and shut yourself from

the outside world. You are clever and profound so there's a slight chance

for self-control problem.

Your Love

Your love progress slowly, and quietly. You seem to be contented with your

unrequited love. Your are a romantic and loyal lover.

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Is your birthday day 3 of the month?

Your Life

Although you are innocent and romantic but your expression often mislead

others that you are an active, fun loving kid. Because of your double

personality, it's hard for others to really know the real you. You are

careful and patient.

Your Love

Your love is the greatest which often surprises others. No one can bring you

to light when you are in love. Your confidence

might lead you to the track your parents disagree.

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Is your birthday day 4 of the month?

Your Life

You usually think before acting which makes your life quite easy. But you

often are the one who give yourself a hard time by being paranoid. People

might not truly understand you but you are really nice to be around. You are

cheerful and friendly.

Your Love

Still water runs deep, that's what you are. You always surprise others with

your new character when you are in love. Your love trap often comes

unexpectedly and your love life is full of surprises.

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Is your birthday day 5 of the month?

Your Life

Although you are on the quiet side, but you enjoy excitement and changes.

Routine is something you cannot stand. Because of your extreme confidence,

you hardly ask others for opinion. You believe in leading your own life, and

you have got the gift in doing so.

Your Love

Nothing can stop you from making progress in your love life. Once you are in

love, you feel the ownership of your lover. A third party can only makes

your jealousy becomes worse.

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Is your birthday day 6 of the month?

Your Life

You are generous with people in need, sometimes to an extreme that people

find you nosey. Your hidden courage and dedication often surprise others.

Your imagination is extremely unique.

Your Love

Your love life is on the smooth track because it grows from friendship.

Although you may not make a sweet lover but your sincerity bring happiness

to your couple.

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Is your birthday day 7 of the month?

Your Life

You are sensitive to changes around you but your feeling is hardly

expressed. You hate exaggerations. Under your quiet personality, you are

rather stubborn and self-centered. These qualities are the force behind your

extreme persistence.

Your Love

You have enormous courage to please your lover. Your relationship often

progress quickly.

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Is your birthday day 8 of the month?

Your Life

You have pleasant and friendly personality. People look u to your wit and

imagination. You are unpredictable and hardly complete what you started,

which sometimes create negative impact to people around you.

Your Love

Falling in love becomes your routine. Most of the time you are lucky. You

fascinate people with good taste but you never have enough with one.

Although your love progresses very fast it never lasts.

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Is your birthday day 9 of the month?

Your Life

You often have problem in promoting yourself, just because you don't know

how to express your true self. On the other hand, you don't really care what

they think. This is why people misunderstand you until they really get a

chance to learn about your pleasant personality.

Opposite sex find you mysterious and worth searching. Your wit is remarkable

but sometimes you are too fast to follow.

Your Love

You won't reveal your feeling even after dreaming about the same guy over

and over. Your first love lasts forever. You are responsible to the feeling

of your lover. The chance to betray your lover is none. You have luck with

children.

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Is your birthday day 10 of the month?

Your Life

You are very capable. If you are a woman, you have high chance to be a

renowned workingwoman. If you are a man, your path to fame and honor is

near. As an innovator, you are not a good follower. You are good in

implementing your imagination and share it with

others. You are always well dressed.

Your Love

You often lose your love ones from being too jealous. You always feel like

you own the person you fall in love with and that often blows your

relationship.

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Is your birthday day 11 of the month?

Your Life

You are gracious, elegant and prudent. People admire your qualities and some

even become jealous of you. You are realistic, flexible and adaptable. You

are remarkably kind and moral person.

Your Love

You are willing to sacrifice yourself for the one you love. Your lover will

always have your gentleness, care and loyalty. You will always be happy to

hand around the one you love.

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Is your birthday day 12 of the month?

Your Life

You are friendly, humorous and full of energy. You are open-minded and do

not care for minor details. Your weak point is your hot temper.

Your Love

You are willing to start off in one-sided love affairs because you strongly

believe that you will eventually win his/her heart. On the other hand, once

you are together, you always want to do things your way, which is often the

fire starter. You usually run in and out of love quickly.

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Is your birthday day 13 of the month?

Your Life

You are sincere and easy going. Flattering and charming around are not your

style. You care so much for freedom that often leads you to the difficult

path. Because of your sincerity, most people find you easy to be around

although you are sometimes too straightforward.

Your Love

Your gentleness, care and sincerity make you an attractive person.

Eventhough you don't intend to be charming, but you naturally are,

especially in the eyes of opposite sex.

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Is your birthday day 14 of the month?

Your Life

You are so confident that sometimes you forget about the people around you.

If you have to be in one of the two teams, you will choose to be in the

winning team. On the other hand, you are kind and caring but above all, you

care for your own benefits. Your imagination is

unique and often gets implemented shortly after it comes across.

Your Love

You will not get soft with the one you don't really like, no matter how hard

he/she tries. But once you feel for someone you have chosen, there's no

getting back.

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Is your birthday day 15 of the month?

Your Life

You are outgoing and love to be at the center of attention. From the

outside, you may seem flashy, flirty, and tricky but your true self is

strong, full of hope to be the leader. When you

fail to convince someone, you will get frustrated, and perhaps let your

temper shows.

Your Love

You are emotional. Many can win your heart at once, but not for long. This

is why you hardly win a decent relationship.

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Is your birthday day 16 of the month?

Your Life

You always follow the good and the right instead of listening to your heart.

Anothe word, you are a perfectionist. You care for every word people say

about you. You often seen isolated while you are, by nature, curious and a

dreamer who is ready to get over the edge to make

your dream comes true.

Your Love

You often fall in love with a person who is much different from you, in age

and other aspects. Your relationship grows on friendship. Love at fist sight

is not your style.

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Is your birthday day 17 of the month?

Your Life

You neither want to be interfered nor have the desire to mess with others'

life. But you are friendly and occasionally a party animal. You are always

in a circle of friends. You often do things in your own way that

occasionally go beyond the acceptable limit. People may find you childish

and not very attractive in that sense.

Your Love

Your fun-loving character attracts opposite sex. Many of those are great.You

often find yourself trapped among a few great guys while you have to choose

only one.

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Is your birthday day 18 of the month?

Your Life

At first glance, people think you are quiet type of person. Actually you are

cheerful, but conditionally. You will show your joyful character only in

good mood. One the other hand, when you are moody, no one would dare to be

around. Because of your emotion fluctuation and frank character, some find

you hard to be around.

Your Love

You hardly show your feeling towards opposite sex no matter how much you

like him/her. Your partner also has similar character so your love affairs

often take quite a while to flourish. Time tells it all. Your sincerity

makes you very attractive.

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Is your birthday day 19 of the month?

Your Life

You are great in managing everything in your life and this is how you gain

respect from others. Because of this quality, you sometimes feel that you

are better than the rest. Extreme confidence might lead you to the wrong

path. You are a free bird and want to lead your

own life.

Your Love

You love life is rather different from others'. When you are in love,

nothing can stop you. You may often fight with your partner but, soon after

that, you will make up in a way that surprises others.

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Is your birthday day 20 of the month?

Your Life

You are prudent, circumspect and take things seriously. Before you make any

move, you will think of a few alternatives that might take a while. You are

patient, imaginative and target oriented. You value friendship more than

anything else.

Your Love

You usually study your partner carefully before making any move. You never

demand anything beyond the natural quality of that person. Your sincerity

doesn't bring excitement in your love life but it brings deeply grown

relationship.

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Is your birthday day 21 of the month?

Your Life

You are curious and a true follower. You can please someone so much that it

seem like you are trying to charm that person. You hide your disagreement

under your smiling face. This is a charming quality of yours.

Your Love

You are quite unlucky in love. You are loved by someone you don't like while

your dream man is so far away. Your love life is occasionally under

turbulence. Sometimes you don't have the clear view of the guy in your

heart.

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Is your birthday day 22 of the month?

Your Life

You have the boss character, but not a leader. Most people look up to you

for your capability and confidence although they find you quite stubborn.

You should listen more to others. You are a unique and charming individual.

Your Love

You hardly take the moderate track. You either love or hate someone. Whom

you call friends are the chosen ones. If any of them betray you, you won't

let them get away without having hard time.

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Is your birthday day 23 of the month?

Your Life

You never live your life in the way others want you to. You are an

independent individual who loves challenges and excitement. You are ready to

face with the result of your decision. You are usually the one your friends

count on.

B>Your Love

Because you love excitements, you occasionally get involved in forbidden

love affairs. You may fall in love with a married person and no one can stop

you from making progress. You are very charming, although you might not

realize it.

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Is your birthday day 24 of the month?

Your Life

You are very optimistic and that's why you always enjoy life. You are gifted

in entertaining others. Your friends love and trust you. You'll be the first

they come to when they are in need of someone to speak their heart out.

Your Love

Sometimes you fall in love just because you want to be in love, not that you

really like that person. You always be seen as a sweet couple but you can't

really get over your love ones from past. Your partner is usually crazy

about you because you are remarkably charming and

romantic.

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Is your birthday day 25 of the month?

Your Life

You are a warrior. No obstacle can stop you from reaching your goal. You

always keep yourself busy. This quality plus your responsibility will

eventually bring you success.

Your Love

You adore your partner as the number one priority. You value your love one

more than yourself. Your love is the greatest of all and your have potential

to get married young.

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Is your birthday day 26 of the month?

Your Life

You are always curious and responsive to changes. Routine life is not the

way you choose to live. Travelling is your favorite hobby because excitement

is what you are after.

Your Love

You will not stand being around the one you dislike. Your love comes and

goes quickly. You can be deeply in love but soon after you will be looking

around for the next one.

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Is your birthday day 27 of the month?

Your Life

You are sensitive and vulnerable. Tears often run down your cheeks even when

the matter is not that bad. This might be the result from being to

pessimistic. You might seem cold on the shell, but your inner self is a kind

loving person.

Your Love

You will be elegantly dressed, no matter how casually dressed your date may

be. You are emanding in love and sometimes to an unacceptable extend.

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Is your birthday day 28 of the month?

Your Life

You are a capable person but you usually underestimate your own ability.

This is the cause of missing numbers of opportunity to step forward. If you

try to give yourself a chance, you can be successful in life. Try to see

things on the bright side and you will be happier than ever.

Your Love

You are quite unlucky in love. The one in your arm is not the one in your

heart. Your love has so many ups and downs. You often chicken out before

seeing any progress in love.

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Is your birthday day 29 of the month?

Your Life

You can trust your sixth sense. Life is exciting so routine job is not your

interest. You have great ideas and fantastic imagination. You often feel

tired of things and people around you.

Your Love

You can tell what's in the mind of another person just from looking into

his/her eyes. You are paranoid and jealous and these are the cause of fights

between you and your lover.

Sometimes the thing you believe in is just your imagination.

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Is your birthday day 30 of the month?

Your Life

You are always surrounded by a circle of friends. You are friendly and fun

to be with. Though you occasionally disappoint them by being stubborn, but

over all, they love your qualities.

Your Love

You want to have full control of your love and that's not a nice way to

treat your partner. You take your time in saying yes to his wedding proposal

or if you are a man, you will not propose anyone until you are certainly

confident which might take ages.

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Is your birthday day 31 of the month?

Your Life

Your emotion is hard to predict. You can be sad this minute and happy in the

next. People might find it difficult to follow your emotion and understand

you. ou tend to take things seriously.

Your Love

You take your time to study a person before falling in love. Once you decide

that he or she is the one, no one can stop you from making progress, even

your partner.

شـوهر مورد علاقه یک دختـر در سنین متفاوت

2007-05-28T12:55:00.008+03:30

دختر 18 ساله : به قول خودش انقدر خواستگار داره که نمی دونه کدومش رو انتخاب کنه فعلا قصد ازدواج نداره می خواد درس بخونه

دختر 22 ساله : او یک شاهزاده با یک قصر می خواد ادعا می کنه که خیلی واقع بینه ولی ؟؟؟؟؟مرد ایده آل او باید پول دار خوش قیافه مشهور همیشه در حسابش پول به اندازه کافی باشه وسخاوت مند او بايد شوخ طبع، ورزشكار، شيك پوش، رمانتيك و شـنونده خوبي باشد. بله خصوصيات و صفات آن مرد بسيار طولاني است. دخـتر مـردي را ميخواهد كه او را بپرستد و او را با گذاشتن گلها، هدايا و دادن وعده عشق ابدي و جاويدان تـبديل به الهه گرداند.

دختر 32 ساله : کم کم داره بوی ترشی می یاد دیگه فقط یه مرد خوب می خواد لازم نیست ورزشکار و خوش تیپ و.. باشه یه کار خوب با حقوق مکفی خونه ماشین و حساب بانکی داشته باشه و غذاهایی که دختر درست می کنه رو تحمل کنه کافیه

دختر 42 ساله : تنها یه مرد می خواد (بیچاره ترشید )یه مرد معمولی که ستاره سینما نباشه ورزشکار نباشه اگه یه شکم گنده هم داشت عیب نداره کچل هم بود عیبی نداره فقط یه شوهر باشه

دختر 52 ساله : او فقط مي خواهد... هر چی بود باشه دختر باید خیلی شانس بیاره که مردش انقدر ترسناک نباشه که نوه هاش رو بترسونه راه توالت رو هنوز به یاد داشته باشه دندون مصنوعی هاش رو یادش باشه کجا گذاشته

دختر 72 ساله : تعجب نکنید بعضی دخترا تا این سن هم عمر می کنن ولی مطمئن نیستم مردمورد علاقش هنوز نفس بکشه

101 Ways To Annoy People

2007-05-28T12:55:00.001+03:30

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for yourremote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector stripsinto peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.